Last night I was watching The Tyra Banks show (yes, I watch the Tyra show) and she was featuring a social experiment that her show conducted called Bodyville. I don’t know what she based it off of since I didn’t see her previous show on race relations, but from what I gathered; it was really similar to a diversity workshop I used to run called “Archie Bunker’s Neighborhood.” Essentially, the show took 10 women of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds and tossed them together in a forced interaction. Click here for more information. Today they’re supposed to show part 2.
Given my recent experience with the “stress management lady” and the fact that yesterday was my final session with my therapist (yes I’ve “graduated” after 2-3 years of seeing her, but she’s always there should I need her in the future), I’ve really been forced to examine my own body issues. I can pinpoint the year I started putting on weight—it coincided with the time my stepfather began abusing me. Sadly, this is pretty typical amongst many survivors of sexual abuse and molestation. When I first entered graduate school I originally proposed doing my thesis on survival mechanisms of abuse survivors amongst Asian American young women, but my own state of mind at the time did allow me to fully dive into that study. But of the research that I was able to do, it was not uncommon to find young girls turning to food for solace and safety. In my own experience, I was never a very large girl, but I was definitely larger that most of the young Filipina/Asian girls around me or within my own family. I may not have been aware of it at the time, but looking back, I had hoped that eating and putting on weight would take unwarranted attention away from me and my developing body. I didn’t want anyone to look at me. I wanted to hide and it seemed easier not to get any kind of attention from the opposite sex by being a bit heavier. Little did I know that weight really had nothing to do with it— a determined predator does not discriminate when going after its prey.
As I got older, I struggled with trying to look like everyone else, as many young girls did. By the time I was 11, I was very conscious of being called “baboy” and yet when I look back at pictures of myself, I was never a very big child. But I started throwing away my lunches when I was in the fifth grade and sneaking food from dinner into my napkin to be thrown out. Ironically, I was also considered the family garbage disposal—any leftover food would be given to me and promptly snuck into my napkin and thrown out. In high school I remember working out 3 hours a day and eating very little. This time I was “buying” lunch. My junior year I was praised by family for being at my skinniest—a size 5—but I was obsessed. In addition to regular practices for letterettes (color guard), my day was incomplete without another hour+ of aerobics or strength training at the local gym. However, my senior year I think I just was sick, tired and HUNGRY. So I quit letterettes, ate and cut back on my workouts. I was a size 10 when I graduated and entered into freshman year of college. My grandfather and a couple of uncles would give me warnings about not getting too fat. Fat at size 10! After a traumatic freshman year and a discovery for a love of cooking and restaurant adventures, I just kept packing on the weight. During holidays, my grandfather would look at me and shake his head, saying “You’re getting to be as big as a house” or “You’re getting to be bigger that Tito ______” (an uncle who was quiet heavy set). But still, even at a size 16, I never thought I look so very bad.
My first year in graduate school I lost 25 pounds and my family, especially my grandfather, was so happy. It was stress. My first quarter I had gotten really sick, couldn’t hold down food and broke out in hives but I didn’t tell anyone. I’d go home from eating out with my cohorts and promptly throw up. Not because I was trying, but just because it would not stay down. All my family knew was how great I looked. Old friends and co-workers wanted to know how I’d lost all my weight. I was down to a size 12 but looked like a size 10. It was embarrassing to say I’d gotten sick. That’s how I lost the weight. I would just smile and say thank you. Deep down I was seething, thinking to myself—“They must have thought I was a disgusting fat slob before I’d lost the weight.” In defiance I started eating and eating and eating. Still I felt that I needed to stay active, so I tried to work out at least a couple days a week and of course, taking public transportation everywhere also helped.
But now, I realize there’s really no need to hide behind my fat. It never really protected me to begin with. And unfortunately, now I have health problems that require me to become more conscious of my food choices. Fortunately, one thing that’s been constant throughout it all is that I have always been somewhat active, thought now I’ve definitely increased my level of activity. I am also fortunate to have a supportive partner who is happy no matter what I look like. Like one of the ladies on the Tyra show said, G met me heavy and married me heavy. So now if I choose to lose weight, it’s definitely for me and not for anyone else.
I’m short. I’m also of the “more-to-love” type of build. This combination does not make for a pleasant clothes shopping experience. Sadly, I also love clothes. I love the designs, the color, the feel of fabric. But I have to resign myself to the fact that there are many styles that I will never be able to wear due to this height/body-type combination that I have. I am lost somewhere between petites and plus size; if someone were to ever create a “petite plus” type of store, I would be in heaven. I would do it, but I don’t have the funds or the business savvy to do so.
This complaint comes on the heels of this past weekend’s therapeutic shopping experience, or rather my attempts at therapeutic shopping. But while normally, my shopping therapy will consist of buying some random dvd and/or cd, this past weekend I was determined to buy new clothes, as I have some clothes that need to be retired due to having been loved too much. My first instinct is always to go to the “big girl” stores. One store in particular, I absolutely love—for all the above named reasons (color, style, etc.) However, for all the times I’ve gone there to look for stuff, I have almost always been disappointed. I realized this the last time my dear sister gave me a gift certificate to said store. I went in search of pants only to realize that I was unable to find a suitable pair that fit me just right. The length of the leg doesn’t bother me too much, as I know how to hem pants (good thing too, since tailoring is just way too expensive!), it’s the fact that it looks like I have an extra crotch that gets me—why is it that area is always too long for my frame/height? However, should I wander to the petite section of a different store I am even more bitterly disappointed as I cannot even get the damn pants over my ample hips.
This is not to say that all the clothes currently in my closet do not fit me, but if one were to peruse my clothes, they would find varying selections from the “short and frumpy,” with a few random selections from the “busty and showy” (shirts, fortunately, I don’t usually have a problem with… clarify, short-sleeve shirts, I don’t have problems with). Is it to much to ask for cute clothes? Maybe part of it is I’m not sure what a 30-something who looks like she’s in her 20s is “supposed” to dress like. Are there hard and fast rules on this? Do I care? I think I’ve seen one too many makeover shows over the past couple of years and it’s now begun to show its effects—I’ve fried my brain.
I should stop complaining. I have more than enough clothes. I don’t need to be a fashion maven. But still, I just want cute clothes—that I can get off the rack— that fit. *sigh*
Thanks to my friend's recent post, here's a great reference on myths about child sexual abuse. Here's a brief summary (but please click on the link for the full article and analysis):
Few people are aware of the true state of the science on child abuse. Instead, most people's beliefs have been shaped by common misconceptions and popular myths about this hidden crime. Societal acceptance of these myths assists sex offenders by silencing victims and encouraging public denial about the true nature of sexual assaults against children. The Leadership Council prepared this analysis because we believe that society as a whole benefits when the public has access to accurate information regarding child abuse and other forms of interpersonal violence.
Myth 1: Normal-appearing, well educated, middle-class people don't molest children. Myth 2: People are too quick to believe an abuser is guilty, even if there is no supporting evidence. Myth 3: Child molesters molest indiscriminately. Myth 4: Children who are being abused would immediately tell their parents. Myth 5: Children who are being abused will show physical evidence of abuse. Myth 6: Hundreds of innocent men and women have been falsely accused and sent to prison for molesting children. Myth 7: If asked about abuse, children tend to exaggerate and are prone to making false accusations. Myth 8: By using repeated interviews, therapists or police can easily implant false memories and cause false accusations among children of any age.
I am not an expert on dance etiquette, but sometimes I wonder if certain dancers have any sense of courtesy at all? My observances at the dance hall where G & I go swing dancing:
1) Dance floor flow-- What I've learned from my mother (who used to be an avid dancer up until about 10 years ago and is now starting to get back in the swing of things... pun intended) is that "traveling dances,"* such as your waltz, occur on the outside rim of a dance floor, while "stationary dances,"* like your swing variations and salsa-styled dances, occur in the middle. This is a good way for both types of dances to co-exist on a dance floor, especially since the same song can be danced in various styles as long as a dancer follows the basic beat. Now this works great in a traditional ballroom dance hall where there is usually much more space, as well as much more awareness of this dance courtesy, however, in your swing dance hall, not so well, since there is not really an "outside rim" at this point, as all "stationary" dancers spill into all corners of a dance hall. This is not to say that ballroom dancers should be barred from trying out their steps, but I think they have an extra responsibility to make sure that they don't crash into dancers while "gliding" through the hall. It's like navigating your way through a traffic jam-- don't cause a collision!
*By the way, these are terms I just made up, I'm sure there are more "technical" terms for these types of dances.
2) Dancers' space-- When a dance floor is relatively empty, it's fun to try out crazy moves involving kicks, dips and other big space hogging movements, however once the evening has progressed to the point where you can start to smell other dancers around you, there really is no room for big movements. Now beginning dancers (which I still consider myself one more of a beginner-intermediate dancer, so I'm definitely guilty of this) do tend to make big movements, as we are still trying to learn the proper steps. But one good thing that I've noticed about beginner dancers in this venue is that they seem more respectful of space and try to occupy less crowded areas of the dance floor where they can "practice" to their hearts content (but of course this is not always the case and sometimes there are collisions with flailing beginners). However, my biggest gripe is with what appears to be "more advanced" dancers. I put "more advanced" in quotes because I think it's more of their perception that they are advanced vs. being truly advanced.
Now these supposed veteran dancers feel they own the dance floor. They do kicks, they do dips, they slide, they try to occupy as much space as possible to the point where they are purposefully kicking out so that other dancers can't dance anywhere near them for fear of getting hurt! In fact, I have been stepped on and with a lady's high heeled shoe! ARAY! Now most beginner dancers will look sheepishly at you and apologize when they've crashed into you, but these "advanced" dancers throw you the dirtiest looks like you should have known better and have gotten out of their way. Some dancers will make their movements even larger to push you out of the way (and I secretly think they are trying to hit you).
Back in the day (and we're talking in the heyday of swing, not the early 1990s but way back in the day), there used to be a corner of a dance hall dedicated to the crazy shenanigans (I'm sure I spelled that wrong) of wild dancers. I'm not sure what this is called, but I know that this existed. This would be cool, and though this is usually an "unofficial designation" perhaps in a venue like this, it would be helpful the hosts would officially anounce this or have a sign designating this area. However, these "advanced" dancers are EVERYWHERE. Truly whatever school they learned dancing from, needs to teach basic dance club etiquette of dancing within your own space. Maybe this venue needs to take a cue from a local salsa club that has barred dips and lifts from their social dance night in order to protect dancers from each other. Which leads me to...
3) Bad leads (yes, another pun)-- Now, I've been taught that one of the responsibilities of a lead is to watch the dance area and only lead their follower into "open spaces." (Anyone who has seen Shall We Dance, the original Japanese version, would also be aware of this.) A good leader will watch for potential collisions and try to avoid them (see complaint #1). Some good moves for avoiding a potential collision-- hesitation step (couple moves in place to avoid being hit by a traveling couple), a side promenade (couple moves/walks to the side to avoid a "stationary" couple). This is some thing that as a beg-intermediate couple, that G & I are continually working on. But we are lucky, we've been taught that you have to do this, otherwise someone (usually you) will get hurt. One thing I've noticed, as a follower, is that I've often also had to be aware of our surroundings and have had to "lead" G out of potential collisions, especially when he's turning (him or me) and there's a blind spot. I think this is a good partnership and I wish that more dance places taught this aspect of dance to their beginning dancers. It's not just about lead and follow, it really is about a partnership. Both dancers in a couple dance want to look good-- how good do you look if you're continually crashing into other couples, stepping on other dancers, or having other dancers avoid you. So, all followers out there... I don't buy the excuse, "But what can I do if the lead "throws" me in the path of another dancer?!?" I say, clip your moves and avoid the collision, but if it's truly unvoidable, apologize to the dancers you crashed into!
4) Saving seats-- This is a tough issue, as I'm not fully sure how best to handle this. There are seats all along the periphery of dance halls for people to rest, take breaks between dances, or just sit and listen to the band for non-dancers. In the beginning of the evening, most of these seats are open and available, but as the night moves on, you see ladies, as well as gentlemen putting their jackets/coats on the back of the chairs. Now part of this may be to "save" the seat so that they have a sort of home base to go back to, and part of it is that there isn't a coat check available (nor would most people use that service I think). So, by the end of the night almost all chairs are "saved". Now my question is does this bar one from sitting in a chair of a coat occupied seat when the dancers are clearly on the dance floor (possibly being a dance hog)?
I for one, don't bring anything into the dance hall with me. I change my shoes at the car. I leave my coat in the car. G carries my I.D. so that I don't have to carry anything, and he does the same thing. So we don't have items by which to "save" seats with. We don't usually end up sitting, as we dance most dances, but on occassion have taken to sitting at a coat-occupied chair. I won't lean back so as not to wrinkle or drop their coat, so I don't think that sitting in a coat-occupied chair is that big of a deal. A couple of times when I've actually brought a sweater with me and placed it on a chair, I've experienced other folks sitting at "my" seat, so I figure this is not a problem. But last night... oh, boy was this one dancer being pissy when he realized that we were in "his" seat. But instead of saying something like "Oh, would you mind sitting elsewhere, my stuff is there," he led his dancer right up into us and made her do turns that would basically almost hit us in the face. Now we couldn't move because they were dancing right in front of us and there was plenty of space all around them to dance in, so we have to believe that they purposefully danced in front of us to piss us off and force us to move. Are people that afraid to talk to each other that they'd rather use aggressive dance moves to convey their hostilities? I really wouldn't have had a problem with being asked to move, but this lead's open declaration of what I perceive as war, really made my temperature rise and G had to stop me from starting a fight and stepping on his big fat foot! So, I don't remember what I was complaining about. Oh, yeah, saving seats. Yay or nay? I'm not sure, but I think it's okay for folks to convey their preference since in a crowded hall, there's going to be some inevitable sharing of rest areas.
So, that's my rant. We've been going to this dance venue for a few months now, actually it may be a year now! For the most part we really like it, but there are some nights where we really can't stand some of the dancers. All we ask for are some common courtesies and especially not to be stepped on. We go dancing to relieve stress and have a good time. We don't want to go home at the end of the night bruised and crabby.
Abusive Personalities Signs to Look for in an Abusive Personality, from the Project for Victims of Family Violence, Inc., Fayetteville, Az
Many women are interested in knowing ways that they can predict whether someone may be physically abusive. Below are a list of behaviors that are seen in people who beat their partners; the last four signs on the list are almost always seen only if the person is a batterer. In some cases, a batterer may have only a couple of behaviors that the woman can recognize, but they are very exaggerated (ie. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things). Initially the batterer will try to explain unacceptable behavior as signs of love and concern, and a woman may be flattered at first; but as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate.
1. Jealousy: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love: jealousy has nothing to do with love; it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness. The abuser will question her about who she talks to, accuse her of flirting, or be jealous of time she spends with family, friends, or children. As the jealousy progresses, the abuser may call her repeatedly at work (or home) or drop by unexpectedly. The abuser may refuse to let her work for fear she will meet someone else, or exhibit other strange behaviors (like checking her car mileage or asking friends to watch her).
2. Controlling Behavior: At first the batterer will say that this behavior is because of concern for the woman's safety, her need to use her time well, or her need to make good decisions. The abuser will be angry if the woman is "late" coming back from the store or an appointment, or will question her closely about where she went, and who she talked to. As this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let the women make personal decisions about the house, her clothing or going to church, may keep all the money or even require she ask permission to leave the house or room.
3. Quick Involvement: Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser comes on like a whirlwind, "you are the only person I could ever talk to, I have never felt loved like this by anyone." The abuser's need is desperate and will pressure the woman to commit to the relationship.
4. Unrealistic Expectations: The abuser becomes dependent on the woman for all needs. He expects her to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, and friend. The abuser will say things like "If you love me, I am all you need, you are all I need." The woman is automatically expected to know each emotional and physical need of the abuser.
5. Isolation: The abuser attempts to isolate the woman from all personal and social resources. If she has men friends, she is a "whore"; if she has women friends, she is a lesbian; if she is close to family, she is tied to apron strings. The abuser claims that people who are supportive of her are troublemakers and may want to live in the country without a phone, or may not let her use the car, or try to keep her from working or going to school.
6. Blames Others for Problems: If the abuser is chronically unemployed, it is always someone else's fault. The abuser may make mistakes and then blame the woman for being distracting or upsetting. The woman may be blamed for anything that goes wrong.
7. Blames Others for own Feelings: The abuser will tell the woman "you make me mad," "you're hurting me by not doing what I ask," "I can't help being angry." The abuser will use feelings to manipulate the woman. Harder to recognize are claims such as "you make me happy". The message in each case is "you control how I feel".
8. Hypersensitivity: The abuser is easily insulted and claims that feelings are "hurt" when actually s/he's really angry, or the abuser interprets the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. The abuser will "rant and rave" about the injustice of things that have happened - things that are really just part of living like being asked to work overtime, getting a traffic ticket, being told that something he does is annoying, being asked to help with chores.
9. Cruelty to Animals or Children: The batterer may punish animals brutally or be insensitive to their pain; or may expect children to be capable of doing things far beyond their ability (whips a two year old for wetting their diaper) or may tease young children until they cry. (60% of men, who beat their partners, also beat their children). The abuser may refuse to interact with the children by not allowing them to eat at the table or expecting them to stay in their rooms in the evenings.
10."Playful" Use of Force in Sex: The abuser may like to throw the woman down and hold her during sex, or may want to act out fantasies during sex where the woman is helpless. The idea of rape may excite the abuser. The abuser may show little concern about whether the woman wants to have sex and use sulking or anger to manipulate her into compliance. The abuser may start having sex with the woman while she is sleeping, or demand sex when she is ill or tired.
11. Verbal Abuse: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, the abuser may verbally degrade the woman by cursing her or diminishing her accomplishments. The abuser may tell her that she's stupid and unable to function on her own. This may involve waking her up to verbally abuse her or not letting her sleep.
12. Rigid Sex Roles: The batterer expects a woman to serve him; and may require that she stay at home, that she obeys in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. The abuser sees women as inferior, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
13. Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde: Many women are confused by their abuser's sudden change in mood -- they will describe the abuser's behavior as "nice" one minute, but the next minute "explosive" or "crazy". Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of batterers and are related to other characteristics such as hypersensitivity.
14. Past Battering: The batterer may admit to hitting previous partners, but will blame their partner for provoking the attacks. The woman may hear from relatives or ex-spouses of previous abuse. The fact is, a batterer will beat any partner: situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.
15. Threats of Violence: This would include any threat of physical force meant to control the woman. "I'll slap your mouth off," "I'll kill you," "I'll break your neck." Most intimate partners do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will try to excuse this behavior by saying "everybody talks like that".
16. Breaking or Striking Objects: This behavior is used as punishment (breaking loved possessions) , but is mostly used to terrorize the woman into submission. The abuser may beat on tables with fists; throw objects around or near the woman. Again, this is remarkable behavior in that only immature people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten them.
17. Any Force during an Argument: This may involve a batterer holding a woman down, physically restraining her from leaving the room, or pushing or shoving. (The abuser may hold the woman against a wall and say "you're going to listen to me".
We’re aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31, 2006.
This petition will be used to encourage governments, politicians, financial institutions, payment organisations, Internet service providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies to eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse.
They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them to take action.
Since I'm returning to a work environment, I wanted to remind myself on how to manage my PTSD. Here's an article that gives some basic advice. As simple as it is, it's definitely easier said than done... bleh.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder By Healthwise
You can take many steps at home to help you cope with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), such as:
* Getting regular exercise. Try moderate activity for at least 30 minutes a day, most days of the week, if possible. Moderate activity is activity equal to a brisk walk. For more information, see the topic Fitness. * Getting adequate sleep. Keep your room dark and quiet, and try to go to bed at the same time every night. * Eating a balanced diet. A balanced diet has foods from different food groupsClick here to see an illustration., including whole grains, dairy, fruits and vegetables, and protein. For more information, see the topic Healthy Eating. * Avoiding alcohol and drugs. * Reducing anxiety by developing healthy habits and choosing relaxing activities. * Doing relaxation exercises, such as breathing exercises and muscle relaxation exercises. * Meditating, which usually involves slow, regular breathing and sitting quietly for at least 15 to 20 minutes. * Praying, which may help people find an inner sense of meaning or strength during difficult times.
You may have problems handling frustration and anger related to PTSD. There are ways to overcome frustration and anger; ask your professional counselor for additional help on handling these emotions.
When a family member has PTSD, the entire family is affected. If someone in your family has PTSD, you may feel frustrated when your attempts to help do not work. You may also feel isolated because your loved one does not join in activities that you used to enjoy together.
A part of me knows that I shouldn't be reading such articles. All the bells and warning signs go off: TRIGGER TRIGGER TRIGGER. I know this, but still I read. It's the same way with certain TV shows (Oprah, Dateline) that do "specials" on child predators-- I shouldn't watch it, but I do. I watch because some part of me needs to understand why these sick and twisted predators exist. Worse yet I watch because I need to understand why some folks seem to condone such practices.
Often the only way that I can have some peace about my past is to view it through an analytic lens. And while I'm the first one to admit that this does not always work, it does give me some kind of foundation for working past these triggers. When I am choosing to watch Oprah or read BBC articles about sexual abuse, I feel that have the power over my triggers. When I write about child abuse then I am working out issues in my own way and my own terms. I wonder how other folks work on their triggers?
Trying to remember things. Remembered my favorite childhood cartoon instead. Pleasant childhood memories put a smile on my face. Funny how my favorite cartoon featured a kid who didn't want to be herself and uses her magic wand to change her identity.
Is it possible to mourn something that you can't remember?
My mom, sis and I have been in Chicago for the past few days and will be here through Wednesday. The last time I was here was about 30 years ago, give or take a year. Obviously I can't remember a thing, and yet something about this city resonates with me-- from the horrible traffic (though that could be just be me missing LA) to the cool winds blowing throughout the city to the convenient public transportation system to the random smells that make me feel like I should be remembering something, connecting the smell to some memory, but can't.
My sister constantly asks my mom what I was like during that time. Mom just says I was too small to know anything; then she continues her narration of the hardships that she endured, trying to survive, trying to keep me alive:
"You were only 6 or 9 months old when we left. I had to borrow money to get here. Wake up at dawn to be the first in line to settle all of our paper work. It was easier then to get a visa to go to the States. I knew what I was doing. I wanted us to join your father. But I had nothing. I hated to borrow money, but there was nothing for us in the Philippines. When we got here, I didn't know life was so hard. I didn't even tell your father we were coming. Our apartment was bare. I only had enough money to buy nice curtains-- to hide that there was nothing in the apartment. Then 6 months after we got there, your dad disappeared. Stole money or something. I don't know. We couldn't stay in the base housing any more. I was ashamed. I found work packing pills at a pharmaceutical company. I had to wake up very early to take you to the sitter. We lived in motels. Nobody wanted to help us. The other filipinas here they treat me bad because my husband left me. They don't want to help us. Finally we have no more money. The visa is about to expire. I did not want to be illegal. We went to San Diego first then I save enough money and we go back home."
So many details missing from her story. I want to pry, but I'm afraid of the emotion that might be revealed in my voice. What would it be? Anger? Betrayal? At whom? Her? Or him?
Fuck the absent father!
We are silent on the half hour drive to Great Lakes. I force my mom to look around in the scenery: "Do you remember anything? Does that look familiar? Skokie Road? What's that? How about that?" I fight to keep the annoyance out of my voice as each time she shakes her head and mumbles it was too long ago. But I know, deep down she doesn't what to remember. "But I need you to remember," I scream in my head. Silence fills the air.
We take the Buckley Rd Exit from the I-94 and head towards Great Lakes. "Oh, we used to drive here." A small voice from the backseat. I look through the rearview mirror to see my mom looking around. "I know this place. The base is coming up." Soon I see signs for Great Lakes Naval Training Center. "Over there is the main gate. Go straight and it's the hospital. Down the road is where all the rich people live. Go back we missed something. I know it's just outside the gates." I see a sign for Nimitz Housing. "Go there," mom tells me. "Pull into the next street. I know it's a short...." I pull over and turn off my engine. I stare at the generic military housing that inhabits the cul-de-sac. I try to will myself to remember, but nothing comes to me. "Do you remember?" she asked, "We used to live there. We had nothing." I hear the anguish she is trying to contain. I avoid looking at her. My sister tells us to pose for pictures. I had forgotten she was there. I am resentful of her presence, but at the same time grateful that she is filling the space that I am unable to. "Let's go," mom says, "I feel nervous."
I watch my mom get back into the car. I turn away and walk to the street sign and ask my sister to take a picture. A random souvenir of my first childhood home. I still can't remember anything, except for an image of a picture taken of me when I was about 2 or 3 in front of a simliar looking lawn. It makes me think mom saved more pictures than she claimed. She always said she destroyed everything from our time in Chicago/Great Lakes. On the drive back to our downtown hotel, mother repeats her story of hardship, leaving out the same holes that I am desperate for her to fill. But I tune her out, lost in my own thoughts, trying hard to remember a memory that doesn't exist.
On a forum that I often frequent, someone posted the following questions:
What is it you fear the most? Why do you think you fear it? What is the way to overcome this fear?
Then it struck me:
1) I fear the concept of forgiveness. 2) I fear it because I'm afraid that forgiving means forgetting and some things should not be forgotten. 3) I don't know how to overcome this fear. Right now I'm just trying to not let it consume me. Forgiveness is something I need to learn.
Somewhere deep, way down deep, inside, I know this to be true. While I sit here contemplating the state of my soul, I know that this anger that I cling to is slowly rotting my spiritual nexus. Yet, I feel that if I let go there will be nothing to stop me from disappearing into some unknown self. I guess that's the problem. I've identified with the anger for so long that I don't know where to even begin to carve out a new identity for myself.
Forgiving scares me. My cousin resently reminded me that "forgiving does not mean forgetting." Ever since he told me this, I've come to realize that this idea of "forgetting" has been my biggest fear. I hang on because I don't want anyone to forget that there are monsters lurking in our midst and we need to be vigilant. I refuse to be victimized again, and yet by hanging on to this anger and pain I am continually re-victimized by the nightmares of my past.
But if I am to move on, I have to accept that I need to relearn the path to forgiveness. I need to set myself free from this trauma that keeps reinserting itself into my consciousness. I cannot be left debilitated for days at a time because of a new memory or any slight stress. I no longer want to give that much power to my past.
The question then becomes, how do I go about doing this? Who or what can I turn to in order to facilitate this process of forgiveness? Given where I am now and my skeptical attitude towards my abilities to do this, I don't think that I will be able to accomplish forgiveness alone. I also think that in order to reach this space of forgiveness I am going to have to explore the difficult emotions that have been surfacing lately (try as I might to push them away). I fear this will leave me emotionally raw, but then again, I'm already there, aren't I?
There should be absolutely no reason whatsoever that I should be unhappy or upset. And yet for the past couple of weeks my anxiety has come back in full-force. G think's it's partially from the general stress of the holidays and some part of me is inclined to agree. But when I wake up at 2 a.m. extremely upset and feeling like performing a murder-suicide, I tend to think that maybe I'm going crazy or worse yet, I already am crazy, which is most likely the case.
Last night, I saw an old movie called "The Country Girl" with Grace Kelly, William Holden and Bing Crosby. In this movie, Crosby is an actor suffering from what we would recognize now as PTSD and alcoholism, and his wife Grace Kelly, is seen as saintly, loyal and devoted to put up with him. In the end Crosby admits that he was using his "disorder" as a "crutch." Nice. All he had to do was "make up his mind to be well." I wish it was that easy. I love hold b/w movies, but whenever I see how issues of mental health were treated back then, I never know how to react. I also recently so Mr. Deeds Goes to Town with Gary Cooper (re-made with Adam Sandler) and the court room scene where they try to "convict" Deeds as insane really got to me. The big argument against Deeds was that he was an unstable manic-depressive and therefore did not have the mental capacity to be able to make sound decisions. I know it's not like that any more. That in this day and age, the medical community has made leaps and bounds in understanding varying mental and emotional based afflictions, but it's hard when I still hear, "get over it." or "it wasn't that bad." What worse is, just when I'm about to believe things are okay, that things are getting better, I see of photo of me when I was eight standing next to the monster who took my childhood away and all I can think of is for the darkness to take me away.
I didn't know how to deal with this, so I wrote about it....
"PTSD Triggers at the Doctor's Office"
You lay on the hard surface. You open your legs. You feel cold hands. You brace yourself. You clench tight. You try to control your breathing. You don't look down. You are quiet. You are handed a tissue. You are left alone.
The colder it gets, the more freaked out I get. It's been challenging to keep the triggers at bay, to try to recognize when something is affecting me and to try to make a choice to not let it affect my mood. But I've been feeling myself edge closer and closer to spiraling and this morning I woke up from a nightmare that has left me shaken and unable to go back to sleep. It doesn't help that I can't control the weather. (Could this be why Storm was one of my favorite X-Men characters?)
Over the weekend a good friend of mine shared with me her experiences with PTSD and it's forced me to look at some of the patterns of depression that I have noticed brewing over the last few weeks. We talked about the idea of choosing to be "well" whatever that may mean for each of us and the difficulty of that choice. As much as friends and relatives may want us to "just get over it/snap out of it/move on" (and whatever other variations they may come up with) I know I'm not yet at that place where I can easily choose on a day to day basis to be "well." It's hard enough to get myself out of bed and face each new day. Especially on cold days when I have no control over when/how my mind will react and remember what my body had been subjected to so many years ago.
Someone once told me that living with depression/ptsd is like living with asthma. You may not have a trigger for months/years and then one day you're walking (more like driving) down the streets of LA and you pass the La Brea Tar Pits and you have a massive attack. This thought has in the past couple of days left me paralyzed and unable to leave my house. But my books have kept me company and the escapism that they provided me as a child continues to provide me a safe outlet as an adult.
Stars Stars, brightly shining, Standing watch in space. Guarding their palace the Universe, To make it a better place.
Age 10 Sullivans Elementary School Japan Published in Sun Twelve: Journal of Self Expression by the Students and Staff of the Deparment of Defense Dependents Schools, Japan, Okinawa, Korea, The Philippines, May 1986
I was an idealistic child. At some point, I had hope.
This is a current revelation I had about my writing. ( May be triggering. )
I know that fear. Heart pumping, Mind racing, Blind rage. All that's left is the aftermath: A child in the corner shivering with fear, silent tears down her face, a wooden spoon in your left hand, a tightly clenched fist on your right, your voice horse from yelling.
But it won't be like that.
We learn and we can stop. We'll talk before the anger sets. You won't be alone. I won't be alone. Together we'll create new memories, and fight benign childhood fears: Imaginary monsters under the bed, first day of school jitters, first time at the zoo nervousness.
And we won't answer our frustration with our fist, And we won't discipline with makeshift paddles, And our voice will only get horse from yelling during games and not from yelling expletives at innocent six-year-olds.
We'll work through the dysfunction because we will learn.
Tips for Treating Trauma by Patsy Goldsmith, Ph.D.,Executive Director, Airport Marina Counseling Service (Los Angeles, California)
We all have good intentions when attempting to comfort people who have survived terrible times. The single greatest mistake that most people make when talking to those who have suffered grief and loss is to attempt to cheer them up!
To grieve a loss, humans need others to bear witness to their feelings and empathize with them. Reflective listening accelerates the healing process.
1. Your goal is to encourage resilience and hope. Do not make reassurances that everything will be fine.
2. Never tell people how they should feel. This shames people.
3. Anticipate that children and others will be more anxious. Your goal is to contain their anxiety, and not to convince them they should not have it!
4. Keep news stories and TV to a minimum. Every exposure to disaster stories, pictures, and sounds retraumatizes the brain.
5. Encourage people to seek help within appropriate support groups. This empowers people, and also permits them to provide help to others.
6. Do not criticize services or relief efforts. This undermines resilience and hope.
7. Avoid intensive "stress debriefing" in which people are encouraged to spend many consecutive hours telling the graphic details of their ordeals. These sessions can be damaging.
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irritated
restless
annoyed
pensive
melancholy
disappointed
determined
scared
calm